...from Kellie Whitehurst Gaines, Senior Human Resources Assistant
- Manufacturing Qualcomm, Inc.
Excerpts from Santa's Corporate Newsletter
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer
retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be
replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining
was appropriate in the view that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's
gift distribution business.
Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share
and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese
sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who
summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack
with no discernible loss in service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne
environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable
press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition
still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest
possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the
cold but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce
and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by
one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known
to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue
to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following
economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary"
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash
crop forecasted. It will be replace by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable
savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In
addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions
are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replace by an automated voice mail system, with a call
waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling,
how and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining
a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional
investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills
and high technology stocks appears to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has
long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose is an example of the
decline of productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in he selection
procedure will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good
one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function
is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be
retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the
EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids
consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may
permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out
as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international
air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with
ten out of work congressmen. While the leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed,
the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen
this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting
too big. A substitution of a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms
will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other
expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve
days in inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit file by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include
the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future
to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize
the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarves is the right number.
Kellie Whitehurst Gaines, Senior Human Resources Assistant - Manufacturing Qualcomm,
Inc. (619) 651-4002 (619) 658-1997 (fax) kelliew@qualcomm.com (email)
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